For nine months, you've pictured yourself looking lovingly at your baby, savoring the key early bonding moments. But what if it doesn't work out that way?
You are not the only one!
Let’s review the dynamics of bonding with your baby.
FALSE!
The concept of newborn bonding is brand-new to each parent and infant, and there is no time limit. While some mothers bond with their newborns more quickly than others, typically because:
they've had prior experience with children
their expectations may be more reasonable
their labors were smoother
their babies are more attentive
Few feel the bond developing with super-glue speed. Lifetime bonds do not shape overnight; instead, they develop steadily over weeks, months, and years.
What does bond with your newborn mean?
Bonding is the process of developing the unique attachment between a mother (or father ) and their new baby. It causes parents to unconsciously care about and nurture their baby while still providing newborns with a sense of protection and self-esteem.
This emotional relationship between mothers and babies is a part of the adaptation to motherhood.
If you don’t feel that bond right away - it’s okay!
Remember, it is a PROCESS and adapting to motherhood takes time.
You can’t expect to come into the role of mother as soon as you deliver your baby!
According to studies, about 20% of new moms and dads had no apparent emotional connection to their child in the hours after birth. Feeling the bond will take weeks, if not months. If you haven't started bonding with your baby yet, don't be concerned or feel guilty; it will come in time.
How long does the bonding process take?
According to a new Scandinavian study, about 4 percent of mothers and 5.5 percent of fathers demonstrated "impaired bonding" six months after birth.
Eventually the bonding will happen!
It's perfectly fine to consume a few days, weeks, or months to experience the unique connection. There can never be a 'wham bam' moment, only the steady growth of love.
So, it's important not to pressure yourself to bond or feel worthless as a mother if you haven't bonded.
This is a very normal part of the parenting experience. Some new parents may even have disturbing thoughts about their newborn—thoughts of running away or throwing their baby out the window.
BUT these thoughts are generally no cause for concern. Most women feel tremendous guilt and shame admitting these feelings, even though it is common.
However, if these thoughts are making it difficult to function or you feel worried you may act on them they could be a sign of a more serious condition (perinatal mood and anxiety disorders) and you should seek help immediately ( 911 or your emergency room).
The following can factor into your bonding experience.
Delivery by a C-section (especially if unexpected)
Baby in NICU (either premature or an issue)
Lack of social support
Pregnancy or postpartum depression/anxiety
Pain and exhaustion from childbirth -- especially from a difficult delivery
A childhood that lacked a positive parental role model
History of depression or mental illness
Past pregnancy loss or loss of a child
Life stresses (difficult job, unemployment, or other financial troubles)
Marital problems or abuse
When your baby needs to interact with you and strengthen your bond, they can use body language to communicate with you. For instance, your newborn may:
Make eye contact or smile at you.
Create little sounds, such as coos or laughter
Look at ease and engaged
Your baby feels safe when you note and listen to his or her signals and body language in a warm and caring manner. It further supports your baby with learning about speech, social actions, and feelings, as well as inspiring your baby to continue communicating. It all contributes to the development of your relationship with your child.
Yes, of course, you can! Here are a few ways to help to bond with your baby:
Skin-to-skin contact: Keeping your baby tight, with their skin against yours, is one of the most powerful ways to begin the bonding process.
Feeding: When breastfeeding or bottle-feeding, gaze at the baby's eyes. This also may help your nervous system
Talk to baby: Babies like being talked to and looked at. Say anything—the weather, the game last night, or the sandwich you're going to make for lunch. Narrate your day out loud when the baby is awake or sing them a song! .
Carry them with you: Wearing an infant is an ideal way to keep them physically close and build the bond!
Give your baby a massage: This age-old procedure improves baby’s circulation and decreases tension (for both of you).
Most of all give it time - time to get used to being a mom and time to really get to know your newborn. If you meet your baby's essential needs, you'll notice a love bond developing!
Though motherhood is portrayed as a “natural instinct” it is not.
The more and more time you spend cuddling, kissing, nursing, massaging, singing to, giggling, and chatting to your baby, the more natural it will feel, and the stronger connection you will have.
Before you know it, you'll be feeling like the mom you are (really!): bonded to your baby with the kind of love you've always desired.
*If you are concerned about your bonding experience talk to your healthcare provider or schedule a session with our postpartum specialist to discuss further.